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Depression Hour Bakanon 07/28/2021 (Wed) 04:41:52 No. 2121
Leave your sorrows, big and small, in this forgotten corner of the Internet for others to read them, and with any luck join you in the misery. You will either feel better or worse after you leave your post, but it will be better than suffering in silence.
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>>2121 Contributing with music.
>>2122 While I'm at it. >>2121 I'm nearing 30, the greatest accomplishment in my life is a highschool diploma (well, I could've an undergrad, but I'm too anxious to finish my thesis), never had a job, and money is running out. Job interviews are impossible, flunked out of a couple already. The idea of being judged is too hard to get over, and I'm not going to get in anyway what with my age and skill level. Thinking of trying freelance programming, but my programming isn't that hot either, though at least I've got a certificate or two, basic as they are. Also, anxiety wouldn't be any less when trying to get jobs there. With any luck, that one Canadian COVID-leak is real and we're going to get UBI everywhere in the next year or so. Otherwise, I'm probably fucked. I want a do-over.
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I'm stuck in the 90s/2000s and I can't get out.
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>>2123 >the greatest accomplishment in my life is a highschool diploma That's mine as well. I've dropped out of college two times because the stress over not being as good as everyone else made me quit twice. I'm currently trying again, but the fear of underperforming again and of not having idea of what to do after graduating is always present. Sometimes I wish I was simply a wageslave doing a repetitive but secure job. >>2125 I feel like I don't belong in any present time. My teen years were influenced by both the 90's and the 00's, but I can't identify with any of them.
>>2133 >secure job That doesn't even exist anymore. Lifetime employment is gone, nowadays it's likely you'll be forced to change job every couple of years and uproot yourself to move to the other side of the country, or even other countries. I wish we had a system like the nip salarymen. Sure, 100 hour workweeks are shit, but at least they know for certain they won't be fired and homeless, they don't have to fear the future anymore after getting hired. No such thing here, it's just endless pressure, endless competition.
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Don't really know how to feel considering an internet meme convinced me I've most likely developed some sort of Schizoid Personality Disorder and also I'm beginning to come to terms with having grown up in an abusive household. I've never trusted anyone, friends or family, and interacting in any capacity with the outside world leaves me physically and mentally exhausted. I don't like myself and have never had a healthy understanding of love. Nothing feels worth engaging in anymore and it feels like I'm just trying to distract myself from this endless empty feeling, or the thought that I missed out on having friends or being a person, and now I'm just stuck in a slow hell. The last four months I've completely recessed into isolation and depersonalization because of something I'm ashamed of but can't really speak to anyone about for fear of how they'd react. The last few years have been pretty terrible. For a very brief moment I believed everything was improving since I'd begun making progress with a new therapist I felt comfortable talking to, decided to reach out to a few old friends, and even asked for a change of position at my work that my boss agreed to. Only a week or two into that feeling the initial wave of coof hit my town and I became a 60+ hour workweek shell of a person. Not sure why I'm still working, at first it was to save up money and move out but everywhere is so expensive and I doubt I'd be able to do anything independently since I have a nervous breakdown anytime I go somewhere new. Now I'm just trying to pay off my college debts despite not graduating with a degree and being pressured into it by my mom. My free time is spent online, getting drunk and jerking off, trying to forget that I need to work. I exercise a bit but I don't each much to begin with. Most nights I go to bed wishing I'll wake up to find out the last 1/5/10 years of my life were all a very bad dream. >>2125 >>2133 Same. It's not even a childish thing either because as I grew up my interests shifted too, I just wish I was living years ago during a time when there was so much more life and energy to everything. It's probably just hindsight but it doesn't help that almost everyone agrees that was objectively a better time.
>>2194 I too have been a shell of a person for a while, faking smiles and doing what others tell me in order to avoid worrying them about me. My only advice, which definitively isn't good, is to find an activity (no matter how useless is it, as long as it doesn't cause you more mental or physical damage) and devote yourself to it in secret. Something that makes you want to wake up and endure the pain of the day and even improve other parts of your life with the hope of being able to dedicate time and resources to it. In my case I developed a form of "digital hoarding" that makes me save things that were hard to find and help people to find the source of something when possible. It possibly is an addiction, but is something that doesn't bother anyone and that only could be a problem if my data disappeared. Try to find something like that to cling to.
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I'm supposed to make progress with programming but yet my mind pulls a blank every time I need to think of how I need to structure my functions (for a lack of better wording). I haven't made any significant progress since the last 3 weeks already, fuck. Sometimes I wish I could be a alcoholic and live a ignorant life instead.
I cried today for the first time in about 20 years, now that I'm being honest with myself. I've completely wasted my life, absolutely nothing to show for it. When I was young I was a top student in my country, everyone expected a lot from me. Then I read some evolutionary psychology and I became a nihilist, and it completely ruined me, I lost my motivation for everything. For many years my family were at least a bit encouraging or concerned. But for the last few years it stopped. They don't talk to me, they don't consult me for anything, they don't suggest things to me--they've just given up on me, and today I finally realised I am a complete waste of person, someone who could have done so much with their life. On top of that the fake pandemic to implement Marxist tyranny, and some other major upheavals in the family...I just don't know any more.
>>2776 Hey, crying is normal, healthy even. Better to melt away your pains than allow it solidify inside. You're not a failure yet You shouldn't wait for your parents to initiate contact, you should be doing it first. And not just talk but being there for them is enough. also lol
>>2776 Also, most evolutionary psychology is completely made up and its hypotheses are difficult or impossible to test.
I have an aptitude test after a phone interview tomorrow, and I've got no aptitude. I just lied about everything in the interview. Why am I like this? I just keep lying if the truth is even slightly inconvenient, no matter how easy I'm found out.
>>2742 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYzMYcUty6s Try your best anon, sleep well, eat well and focus in what you want to
>>2798 Well, how did the aptitude test go?
>>2927 I sat down, I couldn't do a single thing they asked of me, they showed me around the office and told me "don't call us, we'll call you", and I had a denial mail before I had got home. All in all, about as well as can be expected.
>>2928 Well that's not the worst that could have happened. It makes me wonder how many people they get who show up and have the same thing happen to them? Anyway, I can relate since some years back I mentioned to a family member I was looking for a new job. So, without letting me know, they applied me for an internship at the company they worked at and told me about it right before a remote interview. I had no idea what the position was for or anything about the company and about three minutes in I nearly broke down trying to explain to them I had no idea what they were asking and I didn't want the position at all since someone else applied for me. Good times.
>>2912 Thanks anon I'll try what I can.

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